Kaji Bashing
by Vicil 2000
Summary: New Scene: Crossover
1. Scene 001

VICIL2000 PRESENTS 

****

AN E-STUDiOS PRODUCTION

Kaji Bashing: He's not THAT great. 

Scene 001: the present

[Kaji is leaning against a wall, waiting for his contact to arrive. A gigantic fan is spinning inside a window of that wall.]

[We hear footsteps coming out of the darkness]

[Kaji turns to see Maya step into the light.]

Kaji: Hi! You're a little late, aren't you?

[Gun barrels pop out of Maya's boobs and she begins firing round after round into Kaji's chest.]

[Kaji slumps to the floor.]

[Maya blows the smoke from her boobs.]

Maya: I'm a one-woman woman, pig!


	2. Scene 002

VICIL2000 PRESENTS 

****

AN E-STUDiOS PRODUCTION

Kaji Bashing: He's not THAT great.

Scene 002: en route to Japan

[Asuka and Kaji are lying on a blanket on the aircraft carrier, gazing up at the stars. A few bottles of beer and soda are strewn about.]

Asuka: (sigh) I guess I'll be in Japan by tomorrow. Misato said she would pick us up around noon. Oh- Misato was the person who was with me in Germany before you. I don't really like her that much, she seems too contrived. Tsk! I guess this means a temporary parting between us. Boooooring!

Kaji: You'll have plenty of boyfriends when we land. I hear the third child is a boy.

Asuka: Yuck! I'm not interested in any stupid little kids! (rolls over onto Kaji) I'm only interested in Kaji…

Kaji: I'm honoured.

Asuka: I'm ready for you anytime, be it kissing or beyond!

Kaji: You're still a child. Those things are for when you get older.

Asuka: What?! That's boring! I'm already old enough! (pulls open neckline and shoves breasts in Kaji's face) I'm an adult! An adult! An adult! So look at me!

[A light shines in the eyes of the awkward couple.]

Guard: What's going on here?

[Kaji's eyes bug out.]

Asuka: Nothing, sir. I was just about to make out with my boyfriend.

Kaji: NO! No we weren't! No I wasn't!

Guard: She's just a kid, man!

Kaji: I wasn't, I swear!

Asuka: I'm no kid! And we would have been happy if YOU hadn't shown up!

Kaji: Asuka, this isn't the time!

Asuka: Come on, Kaji, let's show him!

[Kaji is grabbed by the collar and hauled to his feet.]

Guard: You are SO busted, pig!

Kaji: I didn't do anything!

Guard: Save your excuses! You can cool off in your barracks until the representative gets here, unless we've already thrown you overboard, sickie!

Asuka: [Grabs onto Kaji's arm] Kaji, stay with me!

Kaji: Asuka, not- MFF!

Guard: Stay back, kid, this is for your own good!

Asuka: I'm not a kid! I have everything grown-ups do! Tell him Kaji!

Kaji: MFF!


	3. Scene 003

VICIL2000 PRESENTS 

****

AN E-STUDiOS PRODUCTION

Kaji Bashing: He's not THAT great. 

Scene 003: Zeruel's attack

[Kaji sees Shinji off and continues to sprinkle the watermelon patch.]

Kaji (thinking): Once everyone's gone, I'm going to steal a hot dog and put it between two of these melons… No, that's stupid. I wouldn't be able to eat it then.


	4. Scene 004

VICIL2000 PRESENTS 

****

AN E-STUDiOS PRODUCTION

Kaji Bashing: He's not THAT great. 

Scene 004: babysitter Kaji

[Kaji sits up from his mattress and goes to take a wiz, leaving a snoozing Shinji by his lonesome.]

[Kaji closes the door, and prepares to do his business, but he is distracted when he hears water splash.]

[Kaji's slowly turns his head toward the sound.]

[Misato is lying in a bathtub full of rose petals.]

Misato (Sultry): Welcome back.

[Kaji slowly approaches the bathtub and knees beside Misato.]

Misato: You've been working out… I can tell.

[Kaji begins to drool.]

Misato: I was hoping you would give me a bath. I'm very… very dirty.

[Kaji glances into the tub of petals and slowly begins to reach in. Misato tilts her head back in anticipation.]

[Shinji is awakened by a ruffling noise coming from Kaji's bed. He turns to investigate…]


	5. Scene 005

VICIL2000 PRESENTS 

****

AN E-STUDiOS PRODUCTION

Kaji Bashing: He's not THAT great. 

Scene 005: eight years earlier

Kaji: Misato, why do you always do this to me?! I thought we weren't going through this make-up-break-up nonsense anymore!

Misato: I'm serious this time, Kaji. This is just getting far to strange.

Kaji: But I've changed so many times for you. I can't continue being your flavor of the month!

Misato: This relationship is gross Kaji! I don't want to be with a man whose like my father!

Kaji: Your FATHER?!

[Kaji stomps his squeaky-shoes on the floor causing his hoola-hoop clown suit to wobble to-and-fro.]

Kaji: How am I ANYTHING like your father?!


	6. Scene 006

VICIL2000 PRESENTS 

****

AN E-STUDiOS PRODUCTION

Kaji Bashing: He's not THAT great. 

Scene 006: Bon Jovi

[Kaji is running around his apartment listening to heavy metal.]

Kaji: Your love is like BAAAD MEDICINE! BAD MEDICINE is what I need! Oh oh OH!

[He starts thrusting his pelvis to the beat.]

Kaji: Shake it off just like BAAAD MEDICINE! You got no potion that can cure my disease!

[Starts smashing air guitar.]

Kaji: Your love! BAAAD MEDICINE! Your kiss is what I need! Your love! BAAAD MEDICINE! WAIT a minute! Wait a minute! Hold on now! I gotta do it again! I'm not done! One more time! With FEELING!

[Kaji hits replay on his stereo.]

[On the vid-screen, Kihl Lorenz and the committee are watching the unknowing man dancing in his underwear.]

SEELE 04: …

SEELE 12: …

SEELE 06: … Hire him.


	7. Scene 007

VICIL2000 PRESENTS 

****

AN E-STUDiOS PRODUCTION

Kaji Bashing: He's not THAT great. 

Scene 007: the aftermath

[Misato stood over her lost beloved's secret watermelon patch, grieving in pain for the soul she would never again look upon.]

[Suddenly, her face contorts to a look of confusion and she cocks her head to the side.]

[Two melons have crudely graffitied nipples in liquid paper with a weenie in between them.]

Misato: Oh! Gross, Kaji!


	8. Scene 008

Vicil2000 Presents

**AN E-STUDiOS PRODUCTION**

Kaji Bashing: He's not THAT great

Scene 008: Graduation

Kaji: I'd only like to thank all the people who helped me get to where I am today.  Heaven knows it's been quite a run, and I'm here to say that if no one person could be happier for me, it would be my father.  Stand up, dad, and take a bow!

[The gathered people look around for someone to pop out of the sea of heads… but no one does.]

Kaji: Dad…

[He spots an empty seat at the front with a sign hung over the back.]

Sign: RESERVED FOR KAJI SHIRAI

Kaji: Daddy…

[The entire crown bursts out in mocking laughter]

Section 2 Graduates: MWAHAHAHAHAHA!  MWAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

Ganitor: AHHHHHHHHHHHHAHAHAHAHAAAAAA!!!

[FLASH]

[CLICK]

Asuka + Shinji: Hey!

Kaji: You two are too young for Austin Powers.

[Kaji removes the tape from the VCR and throws it into the fireplace.  A single tear falls from his eye as he watches it burn.]


	9. Scene 009

Vicil2000 Presents

**AN E-STUDiOS PRODUCTION**

Kaji Bashing: He's not THAT great

Scene 009: Misato bashing
    
    Misato: I'm sure that Ritsuko despises me.  This is pretty indecent.
    
    Ryoji: Those who are hooked on sexual desires are more real as humans.  We can be deceitful.
    
    Misato: To our intelligence agency, Commander Ikari and Ritsuko, or me?
    
    Ryoji: No, me.
    
    Misato: It's the others ... am I right?  You aren't interested in others but you feel lonely.  You're like my father.
    
    Ryoji: A Cigarette.  You still smoke?
    
    Misato: I smoke only after things like this.  Now, only you know about it.
    
    Ryoji: I feel honored.
    
    Misato: And how's instrumentality going?  Adam could wipe out mankind.  Why is it being kept there?
    
    Ryoji: Did you come to see me because you want to know that?
    
    Misato: That's one of the reasons.
    
    Ryoji: It would be an honor to be used as my lady's cat's-paw, but I can't tell you.
    
    Misato: I just need you to know what I want. What are NERV and Commander Ikari really planning?
    
    Ryoji: I'd like to know that myself.
    
    Misato: Wait, don't dodge my questions by doing that… Hey- no! Don't put strange things in there…  I don't believe this.  What is this?
    
    Ryoji: A present; the first in eight years… perhaps the last.
    
    [A long silence passes over the speaker of the agent's receiver - the action for the moment settling in a comfortable valley.]
    
    [The agent adjusts his headset and reaches again for his cigarette.  He takes another drag and leans back in his chair.]
    
    [The late night hours are taking their toll on him and his partner.  They should be due for a shift change at any time soon, but their supply of coffee is running low.]
    
    [Suddenly, they are both stirred awake by a noise from the receiver.]
    
    FEEEEP-P-P-PHHHHH!!!
    
    Misato: Oh my god!
    
    Kaji: I'm sorry!  I was so relaxed!
    
    SMACK!
    
    [Both agents crack up and start guffawing histerrically.]


	10. Scene 010

Vicil2000 Presents

**AN E-STUDiOS PRODUCTION**

Kaji Bashing: He's not THAT great

Scene 010: Kaji's first job

[Kaji is at the service counter of a new Wendy's outlet.]

Kaji: Welcome to Wendy's.  How may I help you?

Ritsuko: I'd like the Bacon & Swiss.

Kaji: Would you like the combo with fries and your choice of beverage for the low, low price of only an extra 100 yen.

Ritsuko: Fine.

Kaji: What kind of beverage?

Ritsuko: Root beer.

Kaji: I'm afraid we don't have root beer.

Ritsuko: Coke then.

Kaji: That'll be 395.

[Ritsuko gives him four 100's.]

Ritsuko: Keep the change.

[Kaji pops the register, drops the coins in the drawer and places a 5 piece in the "Take one / leave one" plastic cup next to his register.]

[Kaji sets a tray in front of Ritsuko and turns to get her fries and Coke.]

[TICK TICK TICK]

[Kaji sets the fries and Coke on Ritsuko's tray.]

Kaji: …

Ritsuko: …

Kaji: …

Ritsuko: …

Fry cook: BS!

[Kaji turns to get the Bacon and Swiss.]

[TICK TICK TICK]

[Kaji breezes past an employee mopping the floors.]

Kaji: Here's your burger- WUP!

[Kaji slips on the floor]

[The burger flies up and lands in the grease trap.  Hot grease splashes into the fry cooks eyes.]

Fry cook: GAHHHH!!!

Kaji: Oops.

Ritsuko: Whoa!

[Kaji gets up and goes to the grease trap.]

Kaji: 'Scuse me.  AHHHHHHH!!!

[Kaji reaches into the grease trap with his bear hand and pulls out the burger.]

Ritsuko: Whoa.

Kaji: Don't worry, I got it ma'am.

[The burger slips out of Kaji's hand and falls back into the grease trap.]

Kaji: Damn it.  AHHHHH!!!

[TICK TICK TICK]

[Kaji returns to the counter.]

Kaji: Slippery little bugger.  Here's your burger ma'am.

[Kaji holds the burger out to Ritsuko.  His hand and the burger have now been boiled into one lump of crispy, brown film.]

Ritsuko: Thanks.

[Ritsuko takes the burger in Kaji's hand, but when she touches it, Kaji's hand breaks off and lands on her tray.]

[The exposed stump sprays blood all over Ritsuko's face.]

Ritsuko: GAHHH!

Kaji: Wow!

Restaurant: Whoa!!!

Kid: Somebody call 911!

Kaji: Hold on.  AHHHHH!!!

[Kaji plunges the stump into the grease trap.  He pulls it out to reveal a brown crust over the wound.]

Kaji: It's okay!  I stopped the bleeding.

Potted plant: Wow!

[Everyone looks at the potted plant that just exclaimed awe at Kaji's performance.]

[A JSSDF Special Agent steps out from behind the plant.]

Restaurant: Oh.

Agent: Son, that was the best display of quick thinking and ingenuity I've ever witnessed.  I think you have the potential to earn a place in Japanese special-forces.

Kaji: Whoa!

Ritsuko: What?

Agent: What's your name boy?

Kaji: Ruoji Kaji.

Agent: Come with me Kaji, my van is right outside.

Kaji: Wait.

Agent: What?

Kaji: I want to sue the restaurant.

Manager: WHAT?!

Restaurant: Whoa!

Agent: I like your style kid.  I'll have the bureau's layer handle the case.

Manager: NO!!!

Agent: Come on, kid.  You know, I think we can help you with that hand.

[Kaji and the Agent exit Wendy's.]

Restaurant: …

Ritsuko: And I want a refund!  There's blood all over my lunch!

Manager: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH- gurk!

[The manager collapses from a stroke.]

Restaurant: … Whoa.


	11. Scene 011

Vicil2000 Presents

**AN E-STUDiOS PRODUCTION**

Kaji Bashing: He's not THAT great

Scene 011: Smoking Kills

[Kaji jumps into his car after a long day at the office and lights a much needed cigarette.]

BOOM!

[The car explodes and raises high into the air.  The shockwave shatters the windows of the surrounding buildings.]

[Strangely, Gendo Ikari appears in front of the wreckage.]

Gendo: Smoking kills… especially when you have stomach irritation, bloating or diarrhoea.

[Turns to a new angle.]

Gendo: So when the need arises…

[Kaji appears in frame.]

Kaji: … I use Pepto-Bismol to sooth stomach irritation…

[New shot of Kaji walking up to his car.]

Kaji: … and help me get on with my day.

[Kaji opens the door and sits in the front seat.  His brow furrows and he begins taking long whiffs of the air.  He exits the car and closes the door, then opens the door, sits in his seat and takes another long breath of air.  Again he exits the car and closes the door, then opens the door, sits in his seat and takes another breath of the air.]

[A title block appears in the corner of the screen which states, "The freshness of Fabreeze."]

[Cut to a shot of Kaji spraying the inside of his car with deodorizer with Ritsuko narrating.]

Ritsuko (voice over): Use Fabreeze to remove tough odours from all fabrics.  Also visit out website to find out how you could take the Fabreeze challenge.  Simply add spraying Fabreeze to your daily list of household chores and send us feedback at www.fabreeze.com

[Cut to a shot of Kaji driving with Misato, Shinji and Asuka in the car; the latter three are having a coughing fit.]

Misato: Kaji –(koff!)- what's that smell?!!

Shinji: Can't –(koff!)- breathe!

Asuka: Open a window!

Kaji: Oh, you noticed? I sprayed the car with deodorizer.

[In an attempt to look cool, Kaji lights a cigarette.]

Misato+Shinji+Asuka: NO!!!

BOOM!

[Fire flashes inside the car and an explosion sends it kart wheeling down the highway.]

[Strangely, Rei now appears in front of the shot.]

Rei: What part of harmful don't you understand?  Smoking kills.

[Fade to black as white text comes into focus stating, 'Stop smoking now.  A message from the people at Nicorette.']


	12. Scene 012

Vicil2000 Presents

**AN E-STUDiOS PRODUCTION**

Kaji Bashing: He's not THAT great

Scene 012: Author feedback

Vicil: Many of the reviews from my fans (I HAVE FANS!!!) are leaving me quite perplexed.  You don't appreciate that I'm attacking Kaji, but you want more episodes… 'Scuse me?  You would rather Touji eat the bullet instead of Kaji because he is the jock, and you would rather have Gendo eat the bullet because he deserves it.

Now, I could have chosen those two, as well as the rest of the cast of EVA.  However one thing drives me to make Kaji the bitch of the joke: it's never been done before…

Originality, people.  How often do you see a fic about Kaji?  1/700?  Kaji has never been a protagonist in any of the fics I've read.  Kaji is a spy who has the hots for Misato and, at some point, had connections with SEELE.  He is virtually a clean slate of material compared to the stuff that has already debuted on the FF.net, AND I WAS THE FIRST TO PUBLISH A KAJI BASHING FIC!!!  Not Shinji bashing, Touji bashing, Asuka bashing, Gendo bashing, Ritsuko bashing, Misato bashing, Fyutsuki bashing, Kensuke bashing, Bridge-bunny bashing, Rei bashing, or even SI-bashing (did I miss anyone?).

Before this is over, Kaji shall have no dignity left in this world! [Evil laugh]

… Hikari bashing!

Before I go… Read my other, smarter story 'EoE Epilogue.'  When the counter hits ten reviews, I'll start production on an episode 2.  If nobody reads it, it's not worth it.  I want to, but a perfect continuation is tough to write, ya know?

Also, "EFF: One more Final" is in production!  You didn't think I'd leave you hanging like that did you?  I pulled an ANNO!!!

Watch out for Scene 013, coming soon (no more fart jokes, I swear, unless I can carry it for more than five pages)…

Expect a website, fall 2005

Sayanara


	13. Scene 013

Vicil2000 Presents

**AN E-STUDiOS PRODUCTION**

Kaji Bashing: He's not THAT great

Scene 013: Crossover

Judge A: Okay, who's up next?

Judge B: … Ryoji Kaji.

Judge A: Send him in

Kaji: Ha – harro…

Judge A: Hello, Mr. Kaji… how are you this morning?

Kaji: Goode to oh-kay fantasutike.

Judge B: Well, let's hear it…

Kaji: Oh-kay fantasutike… Kum … Do, do, dodo… dododododo… do, do, dodo… dododododo… Baybis blakubaloon makes he flyi… I almos fell ito sat hoe in yow eye…

Simon: Oh god…

Kaji: I was sinking boat tomollow… bat yowere se same as me…

Simon: Stop…

Kaji: I'me note heeeee…

Simon: Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, please.

Kaji:

Simon: I… really can't say this in a good way.  That was terrible…

Kaji: Oh…

Simon: Really, really, just awful.

Kaji: Oh-kay

Simon: perhaps in different conditions, but that song was just poorly chosen.

Judge A: Totally agree.

Judge B: Like, you have a hint of something… not half bad but…

Simon: You are butchering that lovely melody and I want you toe get out right now.

Author's note

            Read and review EoE Epilogue.  Hollywood doesn't make a sequel if the first one tanks, you know!!!


End file.
